I’ve had my own share of trouble with this. There have been days when I’m just so engrossed in the uni life that I forget to text my parents what I’m up to, much less call them. I’ve gone months without talking to my friends back home, and even the ones that are here but I don’t talk to often are scarce to be seen. Sometimes I think that I could be making more of an effort to see people, but I also tell myself that everyone has their own lives, and I should first get things done in mine.
Whatever I say next, my most important tip is this: keep it realistic. No person can be everything you want them to be. The truth is, people disappoint us sometimes. But also remember that this isn’t the end of the world – maintaining relationships means accepting people as they are, and if you find that you can’t do this, is there a reason you’re trying to maintain this relationship?
Talk to each other
The first step to maintaining contact with someone is to keep talking to them. I’m close with my parents, and I want them to know what I’ve been up to because I know they’re interested in my life, and I’m interested in theirs. So whenever I can, I send pictures, text them, video call them, and tell them I miss them. I’m blessed to have parents who are easy to talk to – and in my opinion, out of all great relationships you can have, parents are the easiest to maintain. But they’re also the easiest to forget, because sometimes you assume that they’ll always be there.
Aside from parents, it never hurts to shoot a message at your friends, ask them how they are and what they’ve been doing. By doing this, by straight up talking to them, you’re showing that you care and that you’ve been thinking about them. You don’t even have to make plans to hang out – sometimes, a simple ‘Hey man, how ya been?’ is enough to make someone’s day a little better. You don’t have to do this religiously, just often enough that the next time you see each other, you won’t be strangers.
Suggest casual hangouts
For the friends that you see regularly, you might not feel the need to go out of your way to keep your friendship with them. However, like most humans, your friends also need you to be social, and this can mean actively hanging out with them outside of class (instead of heading straight home after your lectures). You could study together with them at the library or grab lunch together. Little things like this add up every day, and by the end of it, you’ll have a tight bond.
Don’t force it
Meaning don’t try to make things happen when they aren’t happening at the moment. Don’t get too annoyed if the friends you used to talk to daily are responding more slowly. Like any relationship, friendships have their highs and lows, and true friendship won’t die in a couple of weeks or months. Allow your friends to live their own lives, and if they want to, they will. And if not – well, now you know that some friendships end.
Use your calendar
This might sound kinda lame, but setting reminders to check in with people actually works, and the other party doesn’t need to know about it. Yes, on the one hand, you’re literally reminding yourself to talk to people. On the other hand, you get to talk to them anyway in the end, so does it really matter? Just put the weekly calendar to talk to your parents or call home. Schedule a coffee catch-up with a friend you haven’t seen in a while. It doesn’t have to be rigid, just intentional.
Friendships don’t fall apart because people don’t care. A lot of the time, they fall apart because everyone’s been ‘meaning to reach out.’
Find shared activities
Shared activities – like getting lunch together on a specific date, or watching a show together every week, or cooking together during the weekend – help friendships stick. These low-maintenance activities provide rhythm without any pressure.
Be vulnerable (sometimes)
It’s easy to be surface-level in busy student life. But if you want to develop a connection, don’t be afraid to open up. Talk about something that’s been bothering you, or ask your friend how they’re really doing. If they want to deepen their connection with you, then they’ll open up. Just remember that this has to come from the heart – deep talks are nice, and they’re meant to be emotionally opening for all parties involved. Most people aren’t keeping score, anyway – they’ll be glad that you reached out.
Just reconnect (without guilt)
Without much guilt, I should say. I always feel a bit guilty when it’s my fault that I haven’t responded to their messages or left them on read because life got in the way. Really, the best advice for this is to not overthink it. You don’t need to apologise with a three-paragraph essay. A simple, “Hey, it’s been a while. Sorry we couldn’t talk. How’ve you been?” is enough.
Don’t spread yourself too thin
It’s tempting to try and maintain every connection you’ve ever made, especially in uni when everyone feels like a potential lifelong friend. But time and energy are limited, and in my opinion, it’s better to keep a smaller, closer circle. Prioritise the relationships where the other party is reciprocating. If you have to let some go, then take what you can, and leave – let them be pleasant memories, and their past presence be knowledge you take with you further.
University life moves fast. But relationships aren’t really about constant intensity – there are levels to it, and what must remain constant is your effort. Be kind, be realistic, and make space for the people that matter. The rest will fall into place. It’s funny how life works out sometimes.
