“So, what’s your major?”
And any of its variations – a classic. A timeless masterpiece of conversational architecture. Nothing quite says “I am deeply interested in you as a human being” quite like the same question asked by every single person you meet during the Kick-In and early school year activities, delivered with all the enthusiasm of a border control agent checking your passport. By the sixth or seventh repetition of the day, you’ll find yourself answering the question before it even falls from the asker’s lips, scanning the room for the nearest exit or snack. Bonus points if you follow up with “Oh, cool,” regardless of what they actually said.
The fun fact
Nothing establishes trust and intimacy quite like leading with a fact about yourself so specific, so unprompted, that the listener has no choice but to reassess their life decisions that led them to this exact conversation. “Hi, I’m Wisang, and I track every minor slight in a little black book, and I am taking names today.” Pretty unforgettable, right? The trick is to say it with total confidence, as if this is completely normal opening information and then just… wait. The silence is where the real bonding happens.
“Would you rather…”
The intellectual’s icebreaker. Nothing says “I really like social interactions with human beings” quite like whipping out a would-you-rather question that contains absolutely no value at all in bettering humanity. Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses? Genuinely useful information for absolutely no future scenario, but at least no one’s talking about majors anymore.
Prolonged, meaningful eye contact and silence
You want connections to be profound. The difference between eye contact and ‘meaningful’ eye contact is precisely that – the adjective used before the noun. It’s eye contact, but meaningful. Why waste words at all? Why not assume that your eyes can do all the talking? Some say the best icebreaker is no icebreaker at all. Just hold the eye contact – a little longer than what you’re comfortable with – and let them wonder if you’re about to say something meaningful, or possibly commit a crime. This method has a near 100% success rate at ending conversations before they even begin, which, depending on your energy levels that day, might honestly be the goal.
Asking if they’ve seen a meme from three weeks ago
You have not. Nobody has. And yet, this remains a wildly unpopular strategy, presumably because explaining a meme to someone in real time, out loud, with varying degrees of handwaving enthusiasm, is such a rich and rewarding use of everyone’s remaining lifespan. “So there’s this kid, and he’s kinda just named Anderdingus.” Riveting stuff. Truly Shakespearean wit.
The compliment that’s secretly a question that’s secretly small talk about the weather
“I love your jacket, is it raining outside?” A three-in-one combo move so efficient it threatens to break the first law of Thermodynamics. You get to flatter someone, gather meteorological data, and avoid saying anything of substance, all in a single breath.
Just standing near the snack table and not saying anything
You basically free yourself from all earthly attachments, and just… float. Into the breeze of the eternal wind – by which I mean that you position yourself next to the bitterballen plate and just let destiny run its course. You need no words nor actions other than the continuous munching and gulping of the snacks. If you hoard a plate (or several) all to yourself, people are bound to notice, and in the best-case scenario might strike up conversation with the foreign terms “please leave” or “save some food for the rest of us”.
Whichever of these tried-and-tested, thoroughly-not-recommended methods you choose, remember the real secret to a good icebreaker is low-stakes, low-effort, and the shared understanding that everyone else is just as awkward as you are. Godspeed, and may your small talk be mercifully short.
